Dear Punxsutawney Phil,
I’m sure you’ve seen how bad 2016 went, right Phil? You’ve seen our rough start to 2017, isn’t that right, Phil? We need you now more than ever, buck-toothed shadow wizard.
Now, I realize that it must be a hard life to not fully have your own identity, since you are probably Punxsutawney Phil #80, but remember that this decision, this little favor, could set your ranks higher than any hog before you.
I have looked at the weather for Punxsutawney for February 2nd and it looks like we have a cloudy day ahead of us. That’s good, that’s what we want to hear. If you peek out of your hole or wherever you come from, please be sure to bring a blindfold or umbrella to make sure no sun ever touches your beady eyes.
America can’t handle anyone more disappointment, Phil.
Beyonce announced that she is having twins. You have virtually no chance of beating that news (which will definitely last in the news-o-sphere for months) unless you do something great. Break the mold.
Since you’ve been hiding, you’ve missed a lot this year. You weren’t able to protest or march your tiny little claws on the front lines. Right now, you are a disappointment, you’ve done nothing we can really be proud of.. for all we know, you aren’t even a groundhog.
You have an entire day dedicated to you. Make it count, land otter.
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